Quiet Hour

I want to hate you for what you did but every time I reach for anger my hands close on nothing. No reason. No clean edge sharp enough to cut you out. I wasn't looking to catch feelings for you, I was steady, guarded, keeping my heart quiet. And then you walked in looking like temptation, good enough to ruin my plans. It started with that flirtatious smile, the one that you knew exactly what it was doing. Then the lingering touches, your fingers brushing mine like it had something to say. Standing next to me. You stand too close, close enough that my body leaned into you before my mind could catch up, before I could remind myself the wanting you was a mistake. You told me you dreamed of kissing me. I dreamt it too. We both wanted it. Somewhere in all those almost - moments, the way you leaned in, the way your voice softened when you said my name, the way your hand hovered near mine like it belonged there. You trained my body to crave your rhythm. Not because we crossed any lines, but because you blurred them just enough to make me believe you might. But every time we drifted toward that moment, you pulled away. Leaving me suspended in a want you never intended to keep. And then came that hug. A goodbye hug. I felt it. It wasn't the same as before... no warmth, no pull, no hesitation. Just distance wrapped in your arms. You were telling me goodbye without the courage to say the words. That hug told it all. Whatever we were, that magnetic pull we had, you ended it right there. You act as if nothing happened between us... maybe you're right that nothing physical did. But something more did. Something you felt too, even if you won't admit it now. You didn't just walk away. You erased it. You erased me. As if the smiles, the touches, the tension, the pull, the way you looked at me like you were already kissing me, never existed at all. Maybe you can live with that. Maybe pretending makes it easier for you. I'm the one left carrying the truth, that you knew exactly what you were doing. When you pulled me close, and exactly what you were doing when you let go. I hope, one day, when the noise of your life finally settles you feel even a flicker of the ache you left me holding. Not because I want to hurt you, but because it's the only way you'll ever understand what you walked away from before it became real. You say it's because of her, the woman you're still with, who you care about. But I still don't understand how you held me so close while insisting she was the reason you couldn't stay.
This is me, finally setting it down. Not forgiving, not forgetting... just choosing myself in all the places you never chose me. And if you ever wonder why I went quiet, why I stopped reaching, why I let the space between us stay empty. It's because I realized I deserve more. More than being almost wanted by someone who never had the courage to want me fully.